The radio plays something from a musical we recently saw, Fiddler on the Roof Ingrid loved that show. It reminded her, she said, of Eastern refugees in her settlement back in West Germany. There was this violin my uncle gave me when I was eight, I guess he understood that growing up crippled and loveless was bad news. Quite a nice sound it had, "timbre" by uncle called it. Mom was furious when she learned she was pregnant with me, my brothers were fifteen and seven, she'd done her duty, she said. After the doctors sent me home from the hospital at age six, spine bent and leg atrophied, I'd hear her at night, laying the guilt trip on Dad ....
Harold, though married by then, helped Kenny tie me to a chair. "Free yourself, cripple, or we'll kill you," they said, setting me up at the edge of the stairs to the basement. I believed them; I struggled with the ropes like a maniac. Once when Kenny came home from work and I'd eaten the slice of pie Mom saved for him, he baked an apple pie with an entire pound of brown sugar on top. Then he forced me to eat the whole thing. I gagged but he wouldn't let off, not until I threw up all over the kitchen and he made me clean it up.
In the dream I'm not the toddler who caught glimpses of a father in uniform nor the small child peering out a window at houses going up in flames in neighboring Radefeld. Dreaming, I am a thirteen-year-old bereft of family, huddling in a cellar amidst unknown adults. It appears we are waiting for the air-raid sirens to repeat their howling .... tell us it's safe to come up. Nothing happens .... someone decides to climb the stairs and have a look around .... we realize that no attack is in progress. All is quiet. Soon the adults go about their business and disappear.
A woman in the group was describing a scene of Russian soldiers in a motion-picture adaptation of Boris Pasternak's Dr. Zhivago. As she spoke, a picture arose in my mind, familiar yet unvisited all these years, in which I'm a three-year-old clinging to my one-year-old brother. We are hungry. We're cold on our pallets of straw. No coal in the chute, the electricity is off, and the dark is fearsome: our mother has abandoned us. Russian soldiers clomp through the house, candles flickering in their hands .... Fathers, grandfathers, uncles are absent; they're dead or imprisoned. It is cold. It is dark. We are hungry.
How I desire
To stroll toward you with joy, stand before you, a queen.
And here I come in rags; I kneel in shame.
. . . He imagines the bird a sign from his spouse, incarcerated somewhere in that brutal camp, letting him know that he is in her thoughts. In another scene he is in bitter despair over the uselessness of his suffering; then he bargains with God or Fate that uncomplaining acceptance of his suffering might gain his aged parents a swift and easy death. His writing reveals an empathy with the erring, warring human congress that comes close to forgiveness.